Excerpts from a Dog’s Diary……
8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm – Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm – Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat’s Daily Diary…
Day 983 of my captivity…My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies.’ I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
The Green Bay Packers…
After the Packers vs. Bills game, Buffalo released their
quarterback Trent Edwards.
During the Packers vs. Eagles game, the Packers injured
Philadelphia quarterback Kevin Kolb. Philadelphia then
had to play backup quarterback Michael Vick.
During a playoff game against the Eagles, the Packers
injured Michael Vick and another backup was needed.
After the Packers vs. Cowboys game, Dallas fired Wade Phillips.
After the Packers vs. Vikings game, Minnesota fired Brad Childress.
Four weeks after losing to the Packers, the 49er’s coach,
Mike Singletary, was fired and replaced.
During the Bears playoff game, the Packers injured Jay Cutler
and backup Todd Collins forcing the Bears to go with 3rd string
quarterback Caleb Hanie.
Is it just me, or did the Packers create more jobs than Obama this past year?
Get a hold of your inner pirate and join in the fun. Monday, September 19th is National Talk Like a Pirate Day! Arrrrrg!
Talk Like a Pirate Official Website!
This is BRILLIANT! Just think of the possibilities! If you’re a young girl babysitting you can bring the mannequin with you and charge a couple extra dollars an hour for “babysitting” the mannequin. After the grownups leave it can be turned into your boyfriend! When you give the kids a snack before sending them to bed guess who gets the mannequin’s snack! Yup, YOU! The possibilities are endless!
DO you know what happened 161 years ago this fall… Back in 1850? California became a state.
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically nothing has changed except then the women had real tits and the men didn’t hold hands.
That, my friends, is the history lesson for today ……………..
I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday ….minding my own business, waiting on it to turn green. A carload of young, loud Muslims shouting anti American slogans stopped next to me. The light changed, the Muslims shook their fists, hit the gas and darted off ahead of me.
Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding through and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, “Man, that could have been me!”
So, today…bright and early, I went out and got me a job as a truck driver. Now I can do that!
The English language has some wonderfully appropriate collective nouns for the various groups of animals.
We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School offish and a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.
And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not ……. a Congress!