“Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it with both hands.
By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was 60, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem.
I’m gonna be 80 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand.”
(•_•) (•_•) (•_•) (•_•) (•_•) (•_•) (•_•)
We’re watching you!
I am the Whitelaw Outlaw and I approve the contents of this message.
It should be called “If you give a politician a cookie”. If this weren’t so true it would be funny!
Seven days until I get one of my new hydraulic Ninja knees. I should have both of them replaced before the end of the year. I figure that I should be able to start practice on leaping tall buildings by March. This Ninja stuff is getting pretty cool!
I also had a History lesson in Ninja school today. I found out that many years ago it was a famous and yet unnamed Ninja that destroyed the periodic table. It had to be destroyed because Ninja’s only recognize the element of surprise.
I guess I’m never to old to learn something new…
Sent from my magical wireless communications device.
The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years – canine/feline attendance is not required..
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don’t.
(2) If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That’s why they call it ‘fur’-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people..
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don’t speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don’t ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don’t smoke or drink,
(7) don’t want to wear your clothes,
(8) don’t have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don’t need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children …